so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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