He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
