I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
