I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
