Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
