You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
