You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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