You just made me feel so damn special
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
