I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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