I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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