what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
