her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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