Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
