I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize