did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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