I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
