Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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