A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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