if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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