You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
