he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
