shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
