i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
