My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
