hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
