if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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