I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i out mim tonsoeep
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
