I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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