I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
