all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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