if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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