I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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