Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
