Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Pants are for mortals
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
