he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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