I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
