Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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