seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
