____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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