she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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