remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
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