1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
