sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
