it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
