Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
