i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
