i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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