remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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