i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
