I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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