Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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