Ambien. No doubt about it.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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